If you have ever been attracted to anyone and had those feelings returned, at some point you ask yourself..or others.

When should I sleep with them?

Now there are many, many theories about when is the right time to sleep with them.

After the 3rd date.

After 90 days.

On your wedding night.

And many variations in between.

But I don’t think that setting a set amount of time works.

Now before I start talking about what I think is a good time to sleep with someone I should just say that I do not necessarily think that there is a right answer.

I do not think there is any problem in sleeping with someone on the day you meet them.. or on waiting until your wedding day. As long as you know why you are making the decision.

It is easy when you are with someone and it is all going well to get caught up in the moment.

When there is flirting, eye contact, touches on the arm, hugs and kisses our brains go into overdrive and the chemistry is off the charts.

All we want is more of that person and why the hell not!

Really there is no reason not to…

As long as you know the answers to these two questions:

Am I expecting anything to change in our relationship if I sleep with this person?

Will I care if nothing changes or I never see them again?

You see it is very easy to get physical with someone – not necessarily even sleeping with them and to feel that it changes something about the relationship or that it insures that a next date or the next step in the dating journey will happen.

I’ve done it.

I didn’t even have to sleep with them, but a bit of fooling around made me feel I would see them again.

And they ghosted me.

I was heartbroken.

But I learnt something from it – not that all men can’t be trusted.

But that physical acts do not equal relationships, or the guarantee of another date.

Now this is absolutely fine, if you do not care if you see them again. But, if like me, you anxiously attach then it can be devastating for you.

So what do we do about this?

How do we work out when to sleep with someone and when not to…even if we really, really want to.

I think it is quite simple, although not necessarily easy.

We answer the 2 questions above in relation to our attachment style.

It is best to try and work out the answers to these questions before the object of your desire is in front of you. As you may find your judgement may be swayed.

But if that’s not possible try and keep the questions in mind.

The answers to these questions will be affected by how quickly you attach to someone.

My view on it is the quicker you attach to someone the longer you should wait to get physical.

Not because sleeping with people quickly is the wrong thing to do but because you are likely to get very hurt if that person then dumps or ghosts you because they were only after one thing.

Question number 1: Am I expecting anything to change in our relationship if I sleep with this person?

If you are not. Then great, go ahead.

If however, hand on heart you think that by sleeping with them or fooling around with them will mean that your relationship status will change or you will definitely see them again then don’t do it.

Not until that person has confirmed whatever you think the action will mean will actually mean it to them.

This might be that if you sleep with them you are now exclusive, or his girlfriend or going to get married (!).

If you think things will change if you do something physical then have that conversation first.

Because if you don’t ask and they haven’t promised it then it probably isn’t happening.

Question number 2: Will I care if nothing changes or I never see them again?

If you are not. Then again go right ahead.

But if you will be then again, make sure that they are intending to see you again whether you sleep with them or not.

Talk to them and assess their answers and if your spidey senses make you unsure then don’t.

So now you have an answer to that tricky question of when you should sleep with someone.

It’s not down to set times.

But to you, your attachment style and what you want from the person you are with.

Once you have the answers to those 2 questions in your head it will help you create a boundary and a standard that you can stick to and it should make dating that bit simplier.

I’ll speak to you next week