If you watch any good ( or bad for that matter) rom com there is always a spark between the two main characters.

A moment where their eyes meet or their hands touch and they feel it.

That spark.

That chemistry, that tells them that is ‘the one’ for them.

That they have found their happy ever after.

Because feeling that spark with someone is a common theme in many books, tv shows and films we believe that, it is a spark that we should be looking for.

But what if that is wrong.

What if feeling a spark is not a sign of love.

But a sign of something else.

Because along with that feeling of chemistry is often a rush of hormones.

That hot, dizzy feeling that makes your face flush. Whenever you think of them you feel giddy.

You can’t sleep, or eat or focus on anything but them.

That’s love right?


At least I think that’s wrong.

I used to think that is what I was looking for. And I have felt that with some people.

But to be honest, especially in dating since my separation, any man I have felt it with has ended up not being good for me.

Not it in some awful way, but in that it always sent me totally off balance and I became slightly crazy.

So after the last time it happened, I decided to stop looking for the spark.

Because I think that spark is not love, but my attachment systems being activated.

Now don’t get me wrong I still want to be attracted, very attracted to the man I am with.

But I am looking for a slow burn feeling.

A man who makes me feel grounded and happy.

Not dizzy and off balance.

Someone who can communicate their feelings and their needs.

Not someone who avoids deeper conversations in favour of superficial compliments.

And whilst this might not create a scene worthy of a rom com. I think it creates something much better.

A foundation, from which you can decide whether this is a man you want to see again or if they are not for you.

It is a great place to start a last first date from. And to set you on the right track to a relationship.

So how do you put this into practice?

It may feel like it is a totally alien concept after years of dating.

Well, in reality it’s quite simple to do.

Don’t rule someone out just because you don’t have a spark with them.

As long as you think they have the traits you want in a partner and are attractive, just give it time.

Go on a few more dates, get to know them better.

See if that slight glow of attraction can turn into a slow burn of romance and then to love.

It will last longer, be stronger and better, so much better than a spark that will fade as quickly as it started.

Let me know what you think.

I’ll be back next week.