It’s February, a few days after Valentine’s day and I am at a dance dressed up to the nines.

I’m trying to focus on the music, my dancing and having fun with my friends.

But I can’t.


Because a man is doing a slow fade on me.

For those of you who have been dating for a while you will be familiar with the slow fade. 

When someone comes on strong, then starts to take longer and longer to reply to your messages and you know that it is over you are just waiting to see if they will tell you it’s over ..or ghost you.

I had met this man at a tea dance a few weeks before. 

And ended up kissing him on the dance scandalous!

Before properly snogging like teenagers at a school dance.

He told me how wonderful I was and now he wanted to see me, there were texts, video calls and now the slow fade.

Now the rational part of me knows that whether I see this man again or not is not that important in my life.

But the anxious dating part of me is losing it big time.

Friends who had not seen me in the early dating stage with a man were shocked at how I was unravelling .. It was not a pretty sight.

Constantly checking my phone and his whatsapp status and asking anyone who would listen for their opinion.

I was in full blown anxious, crazy lady mode.

A very different person to who I normally am.

And then it happened. 

One of the guys I was dancing with asked me out…. side note – if anyone asks you out when you are in an unstable and clearly crazy state, say no and avoid them like the plague they are not good people.

Anyway I said no… when he asked again, I said no and at that moment the truth just fell out of my mouth

‘I don’t like myself when I’m dating.’

And I realised that this was a truth I needed to look at.

Because I really do not like the neurotic mess I turn into when I date.

And I realised I had a decision to make.

I can continue to be a mess every time I meet a man I like OR  I can choose not to.

It’s not easy. 

But I can choose not to.

And this is why I am telling you this.

Not just so you can get an insight into my love life.

But so you can think about how you feel about yourself when you are dating.

Are you cool, calm and collected?

Or are you a mess of a person, who is constantly checking your phone and unable to think about anything other than why hasn’t he replied.?

It is easy to think that we can’t change.

That our attachment style is set and we are how we are.

But I honestly think that is the easy way out – sorry if that sounds harsh.

But you can decide to change so that dating can become less emotionally taxing and dare I say it even fun!

So decide, do you want to continue as you are?

Or change for the better?

Speak to you next week


P.S In case you wanted the end of the story. He did reply and broke up with me because he had a close family member with only months to live. So not a bad guy, just terrible timing.